1 post from 2006

HOW BADLY YOU MESSED UP
Many spend the summer months wasting time, doing nothing. I can't say there are many greater sins, other than the obvious: ditching out on a threesome or wearing sweats. The ultimate sin being wearing sweats whilst ditching a threesome. Throw in "getting a bad hair cut" as a reason to ditch the menage a trois, and you've found yourself at the summit of a Douchebag Trifecta.

To the untrained eye, summer may seem like the perfect time to relax and sit back. But, unless there's some babe by your side while you're doing this said "relaxing," (Oh, I know what you're really doing) then that is not the thing to do. No, no, on the contrary, it's lady hunting time. Now, the summer months have gone and went, and I can only pray you used your time wisely, but perhaps I was too late. Perhaps you've spent your months trapped, staring into a TV screen, the pinnacle of your action being popping a tent at a well put-together Girls Gone Wild ad. They are pleasing, but on the Action Pyramid, they score very low.

As it is my duty, I'm going to help those who wasted their time. To those who hit the babe buffet hard, high-five.

REELING IN A GOOD ONE
Is your tackle box feeling light? Are you running out of lures? Well, here are some tips and tricks to get you started for the next fish hunting season. (That's all year, boys. All. Year.) I'm going to quote a few How To's from across the interweb and add a bit of my commentary.

• "Assess the situation. Only nine percent of women say that they found love in a bar. Is this hottie that you're checking out part of that nine percent?"

Is she not? Good. Your goal is to aim for that remaining 91%. Last time I checked, no one here is looking for "love."

• "She is checking you out--perhaps smiling or talking to her friends while looking at you. Many guys don't pursue in this situation because they don't believe what they are seeing or they are waiting for the girl to approach. Yes, she is checking you out and no she will definitely not approach you."

Some sage advice: At all costs, avoid the friends. Many men just don't realize the importance of a good wingman. He'll be there to clear the arena so you can set up a one-on-one. And so you can avoid landing a donut. (That's a last second, last resort, normally a friend of your original target.) Approach her. Try a magic trick. Or maybe a haiku.

• "Clear your mind. Breathe. That oxygen is going to help you think on your toes and help you relax."

Many men forget how important breathing is. It's a very staple to life. You don't want to forget to do that.

• "You are going to get shot down from time to time. That's life. Pick yourself up and try again."

What is "no?" You are not going to get shot down. You should always end each "hunting" trip with at least one catch. What kind of tip is that? Never, ever does awesome set itself up for that kind of defeat. The only thing you should be picking up is your clothes when you're through. Whaaaaat up!

Now that I'm done with that bullshit, this is where you start taking notes.

• Girls are everywhere. It's your job to move them from EverywhereTown to "Alone-With-You-Ville."
  

• Talk to them. To improve your chances, start out with 15-20 girls. It may be a large task to juggle at first, but, if you play your cards right, one of those girls may end up juggling you.
  

• Look good. Weren't born that way? Try a suit. There is no man who looks bad in a suit.
  

• Keep talking. Sooner or later, she'll have to give you her number. As long as you're interesting, or she thinks you're me, you'll be a shoe-in

If this doesn't help, then you're probably hopeless. Good fishings, but remember, in this park, it's catch and release.

-The Nikonator